There isn't much new to write about for the last week. We are just going through the summer. Working and doing other little things here and there. We haven't gotten the bath tub yet, but hopefully it will come next week. We ordered a faucet for it, that should be here about the same time. We made a small dent in the cleaning of our house filled with drywall dust...I'm not too worried about thorough cleaning right now, because there will be more dust before it is over.

I spent yesterday afternoon with a great friend who I haven't gotten to see much lately due to everyone's busy schedules. We played in her pool with her one year old son all afternoon. Then we had dinner, put the baby to bed and watched "The Devil Wears Prada". We had been planning to see that movie together since it came out...and this is the first chance we got. She doesn't live too far from me, so we agreed that we need to see each other more often.

I'm starting to feel left behind. All of the women near my age that I spend time with, (whether they were my friends before I was married or are the wives of my husband's friends) have children. I have one friend I regularly see who is single and doesn't have any babies. I am starting to feel like I want that to be my life...caring for my children. I'm not sure if we are ready to have kids, I think it is probably wise to give our newly married relationship more time to settle. I think we should let the home projects calm down a bit. My body doesn't listen to the wisdom of my brain. The more time I spend with these women and their little ones, the more I feel like I'm missing something. I know plenty of people have kids right away without waiting, and are happy; and I know I can wait, because that will be me soon enough...and once we have a family, we can't go back to just Chad and I. I know I should enjoy this time with him. I just sometimes wish my body would shut up and quit playing tug of war with my maternal hormones. I am a scientist, I should be able to think this through and base it on rational facts. But I am also a woman, a woman who has always wanted to be a mommy. I want to be a mom now, I just don't want to rush it, because it is a big step.

This struggle haunts my body almost everyday: out running errands and seeing moms with kids, at work and listening to my co-workers talk about their kids, and online and reading the blogs of the mommies in my links. I guess I am glad Chad is not quite ready, because I know he will be my ally in rational thinking. My body and hormones can't overthrow my brain as long as he is not on board.

I just feel sort of like I did in high school. Like I don't fit in. I want to be a part of the mommy club. I am struggling to spend time with my friends, but I feel different. I feel like an imposition sometimes when I want to spend time with them, because I know they have to go through a lot more to pack up their kid(s) too. I feel the clock ticking...I don't want to be left behind. One friend has three kids, the youngest is 3, and she doesn't think she is having any more. Another has an 18 month old and is pregnant with their second. A third has her one year old, and is thinking about the next one. I want to be part of the group. I don't know if she remembers this, but when I was young, my cousin, who is 6 months older than I, and I planned that we would grow up and get married and have kids all around the same ages so they could play together. This was when her family still lived in Michigan, with no moving plans, and we were still playing with our dolls from Germany in her backyard under the pine trees. Many years and life has changed those plans. But I still cling to the idea of being a part of a group with small children of the same ages.

I know I shouldn't let having children dictate who I am. But, I feel somehow less grown up, because I haven't had a baby. I suddenly feel like I'm 14 again, and that these women with families are my mom's friends...so much older...so much more mature. All my life I wanted to be a mother. That is the one thing I knew. I always knew I wanted to have kids. I want to be a stay-at-home-mom until they all are in school. I want to BE A MOTHER, not just HAVE A BABY. I know the time will come when we're ready. I know I will be a mother someday. I just have no patience.