summertime thoughts

posted by sometrouble @ 11:37 AM | Test Category Two | Tuesday, June 19, 2007

There isn't much new to write about for the last week. We are just going through the summer. Working and doing other little things here and there. We haven't gotten the bath tub yet, but hopefully it will come next week. We ordered a faucet for it, that should be here about the same time. We made a small dent in the cleaning of our house filled with drywall dust...I'm not too worried about thorough cleaning right now, because there will be more dust before it is over.

I spent yesterday afternoon with a great friend who I haven't gotten to see much lately due to everyone's busy schedules. We played in her pool with her one year old son all afternoon. Then we had dinner, put the baby to bed and watched "The Devil Wears Prada". We had been planning to see that movie together since it came out...and this is the first chance we got. She doesn't live too far from me, so we agreed that we need to see each other more often.

I'm starting to feel left behind. All of the women near my age that I spend time with, (whether they were my friends before I was married or are the wives of my husband's friends) have children. I have one friend I regularly see who is single and doesn't have any babies. I am starting to feel like I want that to be my life...caring for my children. I'm not sure if we are ready to have kids, I think it is probably wise to give our newly married relationship more time to settle. I think we should let the home projects calm down a bit. My body doesn't listen to the wisdom of my brain. The more time I spend with these women and their little ones, the more I feel like I'm missing something. I know plenty of people have kids right away without waiting, and are happy; and I know I can wait, because that will be me soon enough...and once we have a family, we can't go back to just Chad and I. I know I should enjoy this time with him. I just sometimes wish my body would shut up and quit playing tug of war with my maternal hormones. I am a scientist, I should be able to think this through and base it on rational facts. But I am also a woman, a woman who has always wanted to be a mommy. I want to be a mom now, I just don't want to rush it, because it is a big step.

This struggle haunts my body almost everyday: out running errands and seeing moms with kids, at work and listening to my co-workers talk about their kids, and online and reading the blogs of the mommies in my links. I guess I am glad Chad is not quite ready, because I know he will be my ally in rational thinking. My body and hormones can't overthrow my brain as long as he is not on board.

I just feel sort of like I did in high school. Like I don't fit in. I want to be a part of the mommy club. I am struggling to spend time with my friends, but I feel different. I feel like an imposition sometimes when I want to spend time with them, because I know they have to go through a lot more to pack up their kid(s) too. I feel the clock ticking...I don't want to be left behind. One friend has three kids, the youngest is 3, and she doesn't think she is having any more. Another has an 18 month old and is pregnant with their second. A third has her one year old, and is thinking about the next one. I want to be part of the group. I don't know if she remembers this, but when I was young, my cousin, who is 6 months older than I, and I planned that we would grow up and get married and have kids all around the same ages so they could play together. This was when her family still lived in Michigan, with no moving plans, and we were still playing with our dolls from Germany in her backyard under the pine trees. Many years and life has changed those plans. But I still cling to the idea of being a part of a group with small children of the same ages.

I know I shouldn't let having children dictate who I am. But, I feel somehow less grown up, because I haven't had a baby. I suddenly feel like I'm 14 again, and that these women with families are my mom's friends...so much older...so much more mature. All my life I wanted to be a mother. That is the one thing I knew. I always knew I wanted to have kids. I want to be a stay-at-home-mom until they all are in school. I want to BE A MOTHER, not just HAVE A BABY. I know the time will come when we're ready. I know I will be a mother someday. I just have no patience.

6 Comments:

At June 19, 2007 4:38 PM, Blogger Melanie Marie said...

I completly understand how you are feeling! I'm still single and all of my friends are married and most have kids. I'm trying not to rush it for me, but that is what I have wanted for a very long time... It is really diffucult to spend time with them without feeling a little out of place. I want to KNOW what they are going through. I want to experience it myself, not just stand on the outside and watch it happen to others.

Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone!

 
At June 20, 2007 9:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Emily,

I was reading your post today and you know what I feel the opposite in some ways. I feel like the outsider due to the fact that I have almost 2 kids and all of my friends are just now getting married and are not having kids anytime soon. Trust me when I say enjoy the time you and Chad have together before kids. I love Jacob and will Love Olivia when she gets here but I would have loved to have a little more US time before we had kids. I again completely understand about being the outsider in a lot of ways only mine is the opposite. I feel like I am left out because I do have a child with another one on the way. It limits what I can go out and do with all my friends that are free of any kind of commitment like that. I guess I should stop rambling now. I hope all is going well with you and Chad. Hope to talk to you soon.

 
At June 21, 2007 5:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trust me Em, It will come soon enough. Brad and I are both ready for kids and we're both on board and ready to go. Esp when our little nephew comes over and "plays!" I see the look on Brad's face and see how ready he is. However, bills and getting things with the house have to get squared away first and we both know that. Besides, we both know that US time is important and so is ME time. Just remember that you married for life, but you will mom forever. So enjoy this precious time with your husband and your "freedom" as a person for now. Even tho your hormones outweigh your brain, just try to think how much better you are doing for the child by making sure you know who you are first and that your relationship is on solid cement before anything else. -Jenelle

 
At June 23, 2007 2:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weeee babies!

I think it's cool that you are so excited to have babies and not partially fearful as I am. I am getting more excited, but it still scares me.

Don't worry about your friends having babies. Having babies b/c you want to methinks is better than having them b/c your friends have them.

Babies everywhere!!!

 
At June 26, 2007 10:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in the exact same spot in life as you. It's nice to know that you are feeling the same way as I am about wanting to be a mother. I want to have a baby and be a mommy so much and pretty much all of my friends except a couple have at least one kid and when I spend time with them, our time revolves around those kids and while I love them, it makes me feel like a teenager babysitting, not an adult friend trying to spent time with an adult friend. IT SUCKS.

 
At July 03, 2007 4:22 PM, Blogger Liza said...

i sent you an email, but i'll comment too cuz i feel like it :)

it's Liza btw

http://cavaland.blogspot.com/

new blog!

 

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we iz just visitin

posted by sometrouble @ 3:00 PM | Test Category Two | Saturday, June 09, 2007

My first lolcat. Cato and his daily visiting friend, Tiger. Destined to eternal separation by glass. *sigh*

3 Comments:

At June 09, 2007 3:25 PM, Blogger Allie said...

Cato is not an outdoor kitty? Aws

 
At June 09, 2007 3:56 PM, Blogger sometrouble said...

no cato had his manhood and his front claws removed. we live too close to a main road (and a freeway). and there are too many other neighborhood cats around here that i was afraid he would not get along with. but tiger likes him. i want to bring tiger inside! his owners leave him out 24/7. chad didn't want him outside either, he had indoor outdoor cats get loose brain wires and start peeing in the house. (i've never experienced such a thing)

 
At June 13, 2007 9:25 AM, Blogger Melanie Marie said...

How cute is that? Poor kitty!

 

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At last!

posted by sometrouble @ 1:16 PM | Test Category Two | Thursday, June 07, 2007

We did it! We researched, hunted down, agreed on, and ordered our tub for the basement bathroom! Presenting...our Jacuzzi Mito 6!It is a 6 foot long, two person "Salon Spa" tub featuring whirlpool jets, back massage on one end, and an inline heater too keep the water warm. The Salon Spa means that it is a combination air tub with the whirlpool. I was interested in this feature, but most tubs with it are way out of our price range, unless you substitute the air for the whirlpool. We saw them demo this feature on another tub, and loved it. There is an air channel and tiny holes around the base of the tub. When turned on it creates powerful tiny bubbling sort of like boiling water. It also has Chromatherapy lights. I'm not sure exactly how cool the effect from these will be. That was a feature that I could take or leave, but it came standard on here. Surprisingly all this was affordable, too. We got a good discount through a friend, but nothing really awesome. This is the only tub in Jacuzzi's "Comfort series" that has the combination features. All their luxury tubs cost at least double. But it really seems worthy of the money, and not like they scrimped too much on the design. The biggest difference is that it is more basic looking and lacks some of the style flairs the luxury tubs have. But I could care less about that. This one was more comfortable, and the inside bottom length was longer than those.

I seriously can't wait until we get it. There's just one problem...this is the current state of the bathroom.Those specks you see in the photo that make it look like it is snowing in our basement is drywall dust. Yea, it is EVERYWHERE in my house. My husband started sanding yesterday while I was at work, and didn't think to put up plastic or cover anything that is down there. Oh well, no point in doing it now. Anyone want to earn some $$$ coming to clean my house when he's done? I'm serious. E-mail me, and we'll talk, because I seriously hate regular house cleaning...and this is going to be bad enough to warrant me paying someone else to do it. We're talking probably emptying the kitchen cupboards and wiping everything down. Any takers? Renee? :o)

4 Comments:

At June 07, 2007 3:10 PM, Blogger Allie said...

I will totally clean for money when I come and visit this summer!

Hopefully that tub will be up and running by then ;o)

 
At June 07, 2007 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I lived closer to you, I'd clean it up in exchange for just getting to soak in that AWESOME tub.

 
At June 07, 2007 10:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey when you guys are done, you are welcome to finish my basement! lol. Hope you get your tub soon.
-Jenelle

 
At June 11, 2007 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that is gonna be such a fun tub!

 

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it does suck to be a girl, PART 2

posted by sometrouble @ 3:03 PM | Test Category Two | Sunday, June 03, 2007

iris at the detroit zooHere it is, finally Part 2! Part 1 can be found here.

From where we left off, we jump ahead three weeks. I start having the exact same type of pain all over again. I have been taking the medication the doctor gave me, and can't figure out what is going on. As the evening goes on, it gets worse, until I can't do anything but sit and not move. My sister said she could tell the pain was bad because I was somewhat unresponsive and was definitely having trouble focusing on her questions. She called my doctor's answering service and asked the doctor to call us. My doctor's partner called and told me if it was that bad, I should go to the ER.

Chad was finishing up some work in the basement, so my sister and her boyfriend drove me to the hospital, and Chad followed a little later. It was torture to sit in the waiting room. I planted myself right in front of the front desk, so they would hopefully fast-track me in when they saw how much pain I was in. I didn't care how long they made me wait once I was in a bed. It seemed to be working, they braceleted me pretty quickly, and told me it would be soon. Then a guy walked in shaking and trembling. His hand was wrapped in a towel soaked with blood. They rushed him right back, and I had to wait again. I found out later from a friend who was the police officer handling the guy's case, that he found a stray Pitt Bull and decided to walk it with his dog. The dogs started fighting, and he shoved his hand in between to try to break them up. Got his thumb bitten damn near off. Dumb ass.

Anyway, they got me back there, and put an IV in. I was already feeling chilly, and that made me so cold that I shook uncontrollably, which did not help with the pain. They piled about 5 heated blankets on me. The doctor decided he wanted to do a CT scan. The offered me some Morphine and I readily agreed. They made me drink some horrible tasting stuff for the scan to provide contrast. (It may have been barium sulfate, but I'm not sure). After a while, while waiting for the drugs, I managed to get to sleep for about an hour, and awoke when the radiologist arrived to take me for the scan.

He injected me with iodine through my IV line, and boy did that feel strange. It was like I was suddenly aware of all my veins and capillaries. As it moved through, I felt a weird warm sensation. The scan only took a few minutes. I had to hold my breath for several short intervals and hold my arms over my head while lying down which was a bit uncomfortable with the pain. My sister and husband got to see my insides on the screen in the monitoring room. My sister told me she could see my ovaries. My husband told me with a grin that he saw my boobs.

I went back to my curtained cubicle, and they finally gave me the Morphine, while I waited for the results to be read. They told me they could see quite a bit of fluid from a ruptured ovarian cyst, and that it looked like there were several more. I got a prescription for Vicodin, which I didn't fill, because I'd rather not take them because they make me very nauseated and throw up a lot. I thought that would be worse than just suffering through the pain. I did take a lot of Motrin, though.

I was told later that I was singing the children's song, "I'm a little tea-pot" while drugged up in the ER. I also started singing something else, which my sister couldn't remember what it was, and exclaimed that it was the same tune as "I'm a little tea-pot" (even though it wasn't).

Oh yea, and boy was I safe while there, I had police guards on either side of me. Just kidding, it was just a coincidence that both patients next to me were under police watch. I don't know if that made me safer or not.

So, after I was feeling better, I decided that I needed a new doctor for this problem. My general doctor always handled all routine care of my girl parts...but now I figured a specialist would be a good idea. This opened up a whole new problem. I wasn't counting on choosing a OB/GYN for at least a couple years, and I wanted to pick a good one for when I have children and one that works through a hospital I want to deliver at. My mom is a labor and delivery nurse, so she helped me a lot in choosing someone who will do a good job, and seems to prioritize the things that are important to me when I have a baby.

I called the office to make an appointment, and they told me it would be about three months before the doctor could see a new patient. I was so frustrated. I was scared, wanted to know why I was having these cysts, and I had gone off my birth control pill since the second one, and wanted to get back on a new pill better suited for preventing cysts. My mom called the office and got me in to see their Nurse practitioner the next day. YAY for inside influence!

She ordered another ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus, because she said the lining looked really thick in the CT report, and it should have hardly been there at all at that point. She started me on Loestrin 24, which is amazing! I highly recommend it to any women. Any of the hormonal crankiness I had on other pills is 100x better now. Not to mention, shorter period, less cramps, improved libido, etc.

That's pretty much where I'm at now. Except for a week ago, when I missed my pill Wednesday night, and felt like I had had a small cyst rupture Thursday afternoon while I was at work and couldn't get to my pills to take the missed one. So now it's back to normal life, hoping I don't have any more rupturing ovarian cysts. I don't know if this pill will prevent them or not. I just have to wait and see.

7 Comments:

At June 03, 2007 7:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know two people who've had the same problem recently. I wonder what causes it to happen...

 
At June 03, 2007 8:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am happy to hear that things are going better with the switch in Pills. Maybe after this baby is born I should ask for that Pill. I hope things continue to go better.

 
At June 03, 2007 10:27 PM, Blogger Allie said...

Wow sounds like you have been through a lot. I remember when the fist cyst you ever had ruptured and how much pain you were in. Sorry you had to go through that again!

Hope that you are feeling better these days and that the new doc can shed some light on what is happening.

 
At June 04, 2007 3:56 PM, Blogger Melanie Marie said...

Wow. How do you not go back to that first doctor and scream "I TOLD YOU SO!!!"??

arggghhhh. That is outrageous!

 
At June 05, 2007 2:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not like the idea of cysts, nor rupturing cysts, inside one's girly parts. I'm so sorry that you have to experience this pain. I hope that you can find a combination of good solutions to keep the pain away.

 
At June 05, 2007 9:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope that things are starting to clear up and that youre feeling better!

Talk to you later.

 
At June 30, 2007 5:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your husband decided to finish some work in the basement before joining his wife in the ER while she's in horrible pain? wow. i'd recommend marriage counseling.

 

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